Top 10 Relationship Red Flags

Partner Still Emotionally and/or Legally Involved With His "Ex"

It’s common to meet singles who are having a difficult time letting go of the past, but in this case the past may be just last week. Can we say “rebound?” When this red flag is waving you’ll notice that the ex’s name comes up frequently in conversations; there may be regular phone calls, secretive visits, frequent arguments and a lot of unresolved anger between them. Your guy may still be married and just taking some time to sort things out, or he may be legally separated and talking of divorce. The danger is still there that he is not single which means he may go back to her. For the unmarried man, you might think if you love enough and are devoted that you can make him forget about HER and think about YOU. Get real and stop trippin! It takes years for hearts to fully heal from a breakup, and some men never do. While you sit there smugly thinking “well he is here with ME” remember that you only have the body, his ex has his heart. Are you really going to wait around for weeks, months, or even years with no guarantees you’ll EVER get the love you want? I suggest you not waste time fighting ghosts from his past and instead move on. This guy is emotionally unavailable.

He'd Be Perfect If Only He Changed

You are guilty of having unrealistic expectations of perfection. Every time the phrase “you should…” comes out of your mouth, you are judging and holding yourself up to be superior. Anytime the words “why don’t you …” escape your lips, you are expressing your disapproval of who and what he is.You are trying to CHANGE someone instead of accepting him just the way he is right now. When energy is expended attempting to change the other to become what YOU think they should be there is trouble ahead. True love is constructed on a foundation of respect, commonality and acceptance. However, incompatible sexual beliefs, lifestyle choices, and/or rigid gender role expectations will cause insurmountable rifts. If there is such a vast difference in values, beliefs or lifestyles that you find your mate’s preferences to be distasteful, the problem here is not them, it’s YOU.

You Caught Him in a Lie, or Two or Three

Honesty and the trust it establishes must be the foundation upon which any loving relationship is established. Lying, pretense, and factual omissions damage trust. Some men lie because they are afraid you won't like them if you know the truth. Other men lie because they want to manipulate your reality and get over on you. Be warned. Compulsive liars possess a serious character flaw, and they never change. Ask yourself what is it that your mate is trying to hide or pretend to be and why? Anyone that won’t tell the truth about themselves, their beliefs or behaviors is afraid of being exposed. You  cannot be truly intimate partners with someone that doesn't want to be known. If you’ve caught your mate lying and feel that you cannot trust him anymore, why are you staying? Where can this situation go but up in smoke?

Evidence of Addictions and Dependencies

On your first date he had seven drinks to your two and got sloppy drunk. A few nights later he called you at 2:30 a.m. talking nonsense in a "drunk dialing" conversation. You needed to check your email so you asked if you could use his computer only to see a folder on his desktop labeled "naughty stuff." When you ask about it, he says he doesn't really look at that kind of thing anymore and just forgot to delete it. Though these behaviors make you uncomfortable, you decide he was just having fun or that he said he's changed, so you rationalize away the red flags that indicate a serious problem. Addictions usually represent emotional coping problems and pain that the addict is attempting to assuage with alcohol, drugs or some other form of distraction. Understand that unless you are a professional psychotherapist, there is nothing you can do to help him.

The Relationship is on Fast Forward

From the moment you met he seemed to be completely smitten. He calls constantly and wants to see you every day, leaving you dizzy with the frenetic pace of a whirlwind courtship. Less than a week later he claims you are  his girlfriend and starts with future talk. Sadly, many women are so anxious to be part of a couple that they fail to stop and analyze why things are so intense so quickly. Red flag! When a new man rushes you towards commitment, he is trying to hide something. His goal is to sweep you off your feet and keep you from thinking too much by showering you with calls, dates and expressions of emotion. If your date responds negatively to your request to slow things down by guilt-tripping or shaming you into doing things HIS way and at HIS speed, you must recognize the game that is being run and exit the relationship immediately.

Flat Out Tells You He's Not Interested in Commitment

Men are quick to show and tell a woman early on in the dating game who he is - the problem is that women refuse to listen and believe what you hear. You ain't trying to hear the truth, see the truth or speak the truth you need to speak ("get lost buddy!")... you want a relationship and you want to  have it with him. Can't you see that your goals and his are in complete opposition? Red flag! If a man tells you "I'm not good at relationships" or "I'm just trying to have fun," or "I'm not really looking for anything serious," or "I'm not really looking for a girlfriend right now because I just got out of a relationship," believe him! Women often ignore these true confessions and take what a man says as a challenge... imagining that you are so special you can change his mind about commitment. No, you really aren't.  Don't get angry at him for telling you the truth! All you would be doing is setting yourself up to be used in a relationship of convenience.

He Doesn't Trust Women

His ex-girlfriend cheated on him. His buddy's ex-wife left him for another man. You tell him that you're going to go shopping this weekend with your friends and he immediately accuses you of lying and seeing someone else. If you give him a small gift on the third date (his birthday), but he doesn't say "thank you!" Instead he eyes you suspiciously and wonders out loud what it is you want.  You feel like he is interrogating you or checking up on your stories. Sometimes men are distrustful because of what has happened to them, but for the most part distrustful people are untrustworthy themselves. Cheaters always think someone is cheating on them; liars always think someone is lying to them.  Nothing you ever do will be good enough for this man to trust you without you being given the third degree. Unless you enjoy feeling like a prisoner of war, this red flag is a warning to leave the relationship.

Totally Inappropriate Conversation

Normal men understand that a woman needs to feel comfortable with him before anything physical happens. But the Red Flag guy will start with innuendo, questions or comments of a sexual nature almost as soon as you sit down to dinner. Other inappropriate conversation from his lips includes racist jokes or comments, racial slurs, or sexist comments which demean the female gender. He may refer to his ex-wife or girlfriend as well as gay people with profane names. He will make condescending statements which put down your job, opinions, family, friends or interests. You find yourself feeling hurt and ashamed. Some guys will make "jokes" about any male you mention in passing conversation, quickly asking "oh, is that one of your boyfriends?" in a jealous and possessive tone of voice.  Others make silly wisecracks in response to your serious "getting to know you" questions, which means at the end of the date you still know nothing about him. Major red flag here.

Insists You Pay Half on the Date

Normally when a mature male asks a female out on a date, it is understood that he is paying for it. He selects the venue and entertainment based upon his financial standing and interest in impressing his date. A guy that asks you out then insists that you pay half is miserly and cheap. Generous men give of themselves and their resources willingly. Sadly, most women don't understand the association between a man's willingness to pay for a date, and his willingness to give of himself - the two are inextricably linked. Normally, men go out of their way to impress a woman they are interested in, and pull out all the stops to show her what a great guy he is. However, men that are tightwads care more about themselves than they ever could you or a relationship with you. Men that are miserly with their wallet are also tightwads with their heart and time. If you decide to continue dating him, understand that you will be one of those women in a lonely, emotionally barren relationship a few years down the road.

You're Totally Desperate and Your Biological Clock is Ticking

Some women are very ready for a serious relationship or marriage, and there's nothing wrong with that. You do, however, want to avoid coming across as anxious and desperate to find a man. Those of you that are desperate and anxious will attach yourself to the first man that shows interest.  Though this individual is NOTHING you ever claimed to want, you desperately hang onto him trying to “make it work.” Or you may find yourself repeatedly involved in passionate relationships with people that are emotionally mentally or physically unavailable (i.e. married, long-distance Internet relationships, convicts, workaholics with no time for you, or FWBs  that leave you feeling used and lonely).  Your friends and family scratch their heads and wonder what you see in these losers that they don’t.