Baby daddy in prison wants to get married as soon as he gets out

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I met my baby’s daddy Ray when I was 15 years old. We were together for 3 years. I had my first child by him at 17.

That whole 3 years he cheated on me, then he went away to jail for 5 years. After being gone 2 years I had another baby by someone else. Well when he got out in 2000, we got back together and things have been bad every since. I got pregnant again and when I was about 4 months along things got real bad. We broke up for about a month and in that month he met someone else. We got back together but he still continued to go back and forth for about 7 months and in that time me and the other girl had many altercations.

After I thought that was over and all was forgiven it came to be that he was not only still messing with her but with someone else too. And he actually went to spend the night with her in my car! Then I found out that she was 3 1/2 months pregnant and now has a baby about a week apart from my newborn. He is in jail again and wants me to wait for him.

I have forgiven him so many times and so many times I have also caught him cheating on me. I feel like I have been through enough from him, but at the same time I love him. I don’t want to start over dating and go through the same things with someone new. Also at the same time I want a 2 parent household with the actual father of my children.

Now he wants to get married as soon as he gets out. He did start to change and stopped cheating before he got locked up. What should I do? Should I wait on him for the time he is in jail (10-12 months) and try it one last time or should I walk away as his woman and just be there as his friend?

Is it wrong for me to feel like I can’t deal with the other child even though I have one by someone else?

Signed,
Fed Up in Texas

Dear Fed Up:
Do you have any idea how ignorant this letter makes you out to be? Dang girl, where was your mother to teach you that having unprotected sex and getting pregnant by a lying cheating boy OVER AND OVER AGAIN was NOT a smart decision? Why didn’t you use birth control to protect yourself from being saddled with a bunch of kids by miscellaneous stray fools?

You don’t need to be worrying about some other woman and what she is doing or what that jailbird babydaddy of yours is doing either! You need to be getting your head on straight. Get yourself on birth control if you have not already and stop having all these babies. And take the time to read some of the articles on this website about how to handle yourself as a woman, how to handle ignorant males (not MEN), and how to become a better person for yourself and your children, someone with positive goals for your life.

As part of that plan, ask yourself and him the following questions, and have some very clear answers before you make a decision:

What future does a repeat offender have when he can’t seem to stay out of prison?
Is that the lifestyle you want for your children – drugs, cheating, violence and convict for a role model?
What is he gonna do to make money and support his children with such an extensive criminal record?
Why be bothered with the other woman and her child if you don’t have to? I mean, its not like YOU slept with her!
Why is he pressing for marriage? What does “being married” MEAN to him?
What future does a woman with a bunch of stray babies have with regards to finding a solid husband?

A ready made family and being forced to deal with crazy “baby daddy’s” is not something most men would welcome into their lives. You need to be asking a lot of questions and thinking about your future.

Personally, I think he just wants a guaranteed place to stay and food in his stomach. After all, he has to have an address to be paroled to. I would not help him by letting him use me! Tell his ass that you will only marry him after he has been off probation for 6 months AND has held a steady job for at least 2 years AND has not done anything else stupid in that time. Tell him he will be on probation with the law and with you and if he doesn’t like it to step.

You need to be a role model for these children and at this point, you are too much involved in silly drama with this crazy man and his crazy ho’s. When you focus on drama its impossible to focus on your children and raising them to be mature, responsible adults. THAT is what you need to be thinking about. And that is ALL you need to be thinking about.

It’s time for you to stop believing that you owe this guy your entire life just because he was the first man you had sex with. You have to stop picking losers and upgrade – your choices in men, your decisions about in life and in how you choose to behave.

MsHeartBeat

Relationship and dating advice columnist of Ask HeartBeat! Has enjoyed dishing out insightful yet hilariously funny advice, tersely worded reality checks and "let me slap you upside the head" wake up calls to men and women around the globe since 1991.