Boyfriend Punishes Me For Ex-Wife’s Behavior

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
How do I get my boyfriend to communicate with me? He was burned by his ex-wife really bad and the way he treats me is a result of what happened in their marriage. We have been together for 3 years and he still has not changed. I can go days not hearing from him and when I do it’s like nothing, no big deal.

I don’t even see him often (no he is not cheating he is not like that). A relationship is sacred to him like family. It will be months before I see him as well and we live in the same city. He works the complete opposite of me but I am still putting forth the effort to see him and he is not. I have tried to tell him how important communication is but he goes right back to the way he was. I need help in getting him to get over his past hurtful marriage, I am not the ex-wife nowhere near it!

Signed,
Paying in Full For It

Dear Paying:
What you need help with is accepting the reality of the relationship you have with this man and the fact that he is NEVER GOING TO BE THE MAN YOU WANT HIM TO BE because he doesn’t want to be.

Don’t you think if he were going to “change” he would have done it by now? All your whining, explaining, nagging and complaining hasn’t done anything to get you what you want in three years. So why not stop doing it and go get yourself another man – one that will supply you with the conversation, intimacy, communication and fun that you deserve?

When men say things like this, they are intentionally putting up barriers to intimacy. Once he said those words, he was telling you that he would never love you, never trust you, and never be vulnerable to you in any way. So basically you would be someone he sees at his convenience, if and when he gets ready.

And when a man tells you that a relationship is sacred to him, he is setting you up. You think he isn’t seeing other women, and I know for a fact that he is. But by telling you relationships are sacred to him “like family,” you are sitting around being chaste and waiting for him under the delusion that he is doing the same. I am sitting here wondering how you can be so naive and so blind to the truth.

You are settling for and chasing after this excuse making fool like he is the last man on earth or something. Ultimately, he is getting HIS needs met while you are sacrificing years of your life and the love you could receive from someone else

There is no excuse to not see a man you call your boyfriend for months on end that lives in the same city. To me that means he is NOT your boyfriend… it is some casual convenience thing that you are confusing with love and a serious relationship. Sure, a relationship may be sacred to him, but since you two aren’t in one, those rules about “cheating” do not apply to you.

And if this is how he treated his ex-wife, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why she burned him so badly.

MsHeartBeat

Relationship and dating advice columnist of Ask HeartBeat! Has enjoyed dishing out insightful yet hilariously funny advice, tersely worded reality checks and "let me slap you upside the head" wake up calls to men and women around the globe since 1991.