He’s in Prison Now, But Wants to Be a Family With Me and My Two Girls

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I recently reconnected with an old lover, someone that was in my life a long time ago. The only problem he is in Federal Prison for selling drugs. He has a year or two left on his sentence to serve. We have been communicating now for two months via emails, letters and phone calls.

We have discussed him returning to that lifestyle and he said he’s over that and he wants to be a family with me and my girls who are 14 and 4. My children have never met him. I know people can change. My question is should I follow my heart and work on something or just be friends?

Female (36-45)

Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
As I sat here reading your letter, I wondered which of you reached out to the other to initiate this contact after years of being apart. I’m curious, because each puts a slightly different spin on things. Not that it ultimately matters much because this is about the dumbest and most dangerous mess I’ve heard of in a long, long time.

First of all, what in the world would motivate you to consider bringing some drug dealing, jailbird fool into your home over your young, innocent and impressionable daughters? Lord only knows what he’s been exposed to while incarcerated: Tuberculosis, Hepatitis C, HIV, AIDS, sexual assault (as either the victim or the perpetrator), etc.

You believe he is behind bars for a non-violent crime like drug dealing. But have you checked out his story? Look online and find out what he was charged with and what his sentence was. Has he been arrested and incarcerated before? What were those charges? You must know the truth of what you are dealing with. Your job is to protect those babies from people like this guy, not bring guys like him into their home to have unsupervised access to them 24/7!

He is running game, the game that all prisoners do. They look for a lonely single mother and strike up a friendship around 12-18 months before they are released. He has plenty of time to set you up to imagine yourself in love so that you would put money on his books, buy him things – since he is your man and y’all gonna be together when he gets out and all. But what would that be exactly? That would be you with three children, that’s what. You would be taking care of a grown man inside prison, and two little girls outside of it! A man that you admit you haven’t seen in ages.

Secondly, what is it that this man is going to do when he gets out? Have you asked him? What job skills does he have? There are people out here with no criminal record and college degrees, with all kinds of marketable skills that cannot find work – so what good is a man that knows how to do nothing but cook and sling rocks going to do?

It seems you have lost part if not all of your mind! Have you not considered that you have a young teenage girl in your house whose body is changing? Mentally and chronologically she is a child, but nasty ass men see her as young pussy to get. A 14 year old girl is prey for most of the men in the world, and your four year old is not too far behind. There are some straight scandalous and perverted pedophiles in the world that you need to be watching out for.

Your focus should be on your daughters – their safety, education, mental and emotional development and providing them with opportunities for success in life. You should not be thinking even five seconds about some fool that messed up his life over fast money and drugs.

My vote is that you stop corresponding with him at all. If you think that’s too harsh, then please back up and slow this down. Stop talking on the phone at least, especially if you have to pay for the calls when he calls collect. None of your correspondence should be of an intimate or sexual nature. I hate that you gave him your address, which shows you have no game and are much too naïve to be in the situation you are in with this guy.

You should also not be telling him any information about your children and their routines or whereabouts during the day. He should not know what they look like, so no photographs. These guys know people on the outside that are crooks just like he is. If he can make money by setting your 14 year old daughter up to get abducted and pimped, you can bet that he wouldn’t give a shit about hurting you or your child. He doesn’t know them and hasn’t seen you for years, remember? Protect your girls and stop being so gullible.

Back up from this clown. Let him get out of prison and establish himself with a job and a place to live. See what moves he puts into place and how he handles himself. He has at this point been doing nothing but sitting behind bars and running his mouth. You need to see some ACTION. He needs to be putting things in place to change his life, not making empty promises he is not in a position to fulfill.

You and your daughters deserve better. The predatory prison lifestyle to which this man has become accustomed makes him unsuitable as a mate, and unsuitable as a parent. Do not introduce him to or involve him with your vulnerable children.

Hoping that he is an exception does not make him one. If he is an exception, he will (and must) demonstrate this fact on his own, NOT in your home, NOT around your babies. Most likely he is not an exception, and will return to crime when released because that is what he knows. The national recidivism rate for convicts (those that return to prison for new crimes or violations of parole within 3 years) is around 50%.

My gut is telling me that nothing good will come of this. Most likely he will bring you disease. Most likely he will bring you drama in the way of hoodlum friends, baby mamas, and the other women he’s been writing while incarcerated. You sound damaged and desperate with shaky self-esteem. Or perhaps you are horny and lonely and need something in your life to look forward to… a fantasy that things will be better in a year or two when he is released.

Either way, this is not a “follow your heart” situation. This is a “run like hell” situation.

MsHeartBeat

Relationship and dating advice columnist of Ask HeartBeat! Has enjoyed dishing out insightful yet hilariously funny advice, tersely worded reality checks and "let me slap you upside the head" wake up calls to men and women around the globe since 1991.