Dating a New Girlfriend Who Has Major Trust Issues With Men

Dear Ms HeartBeat:
I met this wonderful lady on the net, and our relationship is about a month old. We live about 20 minutes away from each other, and have gotten together a few times. The interest seems mutual.

The only problem I see so far is that she is having issues with trust, due to past issues in her life (not with me), with past men, and friends of hers that betrayed her. However, she has stated that she wants to explore very much where this can go between us. I just want to help her through this as painlessly (and admittedly, quickly) as possible. Help!

Signed,
J

Dear J:
It might appear that you have good intentions here J, but your desire to “help her as get through this as quickly as possible” could also be interpreted as wanting to RUSH HER through whatever healing process she needs to go through. The reason: her present state of mind is inconvenient and preventing you from getting what you want out of her. I must flatly tell you not to have any expectations along those lines because broken hearts don’t mend on a schedule! You and no one else has the power to MAKE a person heal, MAKE someone want to be with you, MAKE a woman forget her pain, MAKE anyone arrive at the stage of life or development that you want them to be.

All you can do is be patient, talk to her, and behave in a way that allows her trust and confidence and belief in you to grow. This may be a lengthy process – are you prepared to put in the time it may take? Even if her relationship with you puts her on the path to healing, you will always feel like you are walking on eggshells trying to make sure you don’t do or say anything to trigger her distrust or anger about men.

Now, if you don’t have that kind of energy, patience or interest in her for a long-haul commitment, your best decision would be to tell her that you don’t want to play nurse maid to someone’s broken heart, or porter to lug her baggage and to call you when she gets it together.

MsHeartBeat

Relationship and dating advice columnist of Ask HeartBeat! Has enjoyed dishing out insightful yet hilariously funny advice, tersely worded reality checks and "let me slap you upside the head" wake up calls to men and women around the globe since 1991.