Day 8 – 40 Days of Rain on DBR Black Men: Failure to Progress

I wish he would…

I’m hoping he….

If he could only…..

If he tried he could….

I need him to….

Why won’t he…..

 

These are questions and statements frequently made by black women about the males in their lives – the males that don’t DO anything. These are the guys that sit around watching television, playing computer games, or hanging out drinking and smoking weed with their boys when they should be doing something to advance themselves.

At most these clowns do the bare minimum to get by, which means they have some little piece of a job that a high school kid could have if he has a job at all. But generally every single thing they do other than the bare minimum some woman is coaxing, begging, negotiating or cajoling for him to do something. SOMETHING. Anything so that she could see movement and change and know the he is trying to do better and make shit happen. Women will be 100% in your corner if she sees forward movement, even if the steps are small, instead of stagnation and a future of sameness.

Why don’t DBR black men try to improve themselves and show movement in life? There are six primary reasons:

#1 He is lazy and doesn’t want to do anything more than the bare minimum. These guys are content with getting some little mickey mouse paycheck, having a high school diploma, or never reading another book after graduation. These are the guys that might actually get married and father some children, but they never DO anything with the kids. They never DO crap to maintain the upkeep of their home. Even if they tell their wife or girlfriend they are going to do something, somehow it never happens so she, out of frustration, ends up doing it herself. They never DO anything to romance their wives either, though they always want some booty. They never DO shit to benefit, sustain or support anyone other than themselves. Not even the dog. Not even friends, if they even have any. (Most don’t because friends have needs and might ask them to DO something.) They don’t like change, and they don’t like anything to be new or different, and they don’t like exerting any energy except on what THEY want to exert energy on. He won’t even like it if you buy a new couch, because they like the butt print they made on the old one… it’s all broken in you see. They like living a simple, uneventful life without movement or progress because… well, because they are simple.

#2 He is an escapist. This guy checks out mentally with the use of mind and mood altering substances like alcohol, marijuana or other street drugs. Men of today also escape reality with X-Box and Game Cube while they play video games where they are the hero (because in real life they won’t bust a grape). He says he wants more, but his actions show otherwise as he intentionally sabotages any opportunities for advancement. For example, he can’t get a better job because every time he gets offered a higher paying position with more responsibility, he gets slammed when he fails the pre-hiring drug test. He acts disappointed, but he never stops smoking the herb. He talks a good game about becoming a certified auto mechanic,but he never fills out paperwork to enroll in a training program; he doesn’t ever do ANYTHING to get that ball rolling. He claims he wants to get a promotion and raise at the little piece of job he has, but he shows up late or calls in sick a lot because he’s hung over from the night before or stayed up too late doing whatever. Mr. Unreliable is therefore always passed by when its time for someone to be promoted. Which is exactly how he set things up.

#3 He lives through the television. Their entire life is television. In their homes the television is never off. Never. He goes to sleep with it on and wakes up to watch it, which he does all day long. Sports, news, detective shows, sci fi series – he has his things and never misses a broadcast. Typically, he confuses what he sees on television with real life. These men are all over Facebook and other websites using the “reality show” model of entertainment television as a benchmark for what real world black women are like. He will use the names of characters on these shows playing a role for a paycheck as an example of how black women dress, talk, walk, wear their hair, and everything else. Come to think of it, they also do the same thing with movies. Made up fantasy characters are juxtaposed against real life situations with real women and held up as an example of female behavior: “See! See! Look how that woman did him in the movie!” (That made up character being played by an actress getting paid to say and do those things per the script because that is the plot of the movie.) His inability to separate fantasy from reality is sad really. His world revolves around screens, electricity, circuits and whatever is pushed into his head as selected by his local cable provider. He knows nothing that isn’t shown him on a screen, and isn’t really trying to learn.

#4 The worst of the lot are the guys that remain mentally and emotionally stuck in the past. These DBR black men are forever lamenting about the way things used to be. When women used to “know their place” and “men and women knew their roles” and “women used to focus on being virtuous.” They also talk about how some woman they dated 700 years ago in preschool hurt their feelings and rejected them and how much they used to like her and how women are bitches and how because of that they can’t trust women with their heart and how because of that one little girl 700 years ago, their life is ruined. Others make you roll your eyes in disgust as they keep bringing up their ex-wife (though they’ve been divorced 15 years), or the ex-girlfriend that cheated on them in college (and he’s now 54).

#5 His inner child is wounded. These black men use their parents as a scape goat for their current failures. I mean, its one thing to acknowledge your history and turbulent or humble beginnings in life, but another altogether to let it define your present. Reality is parents have no class to take or interview to pass before they have the job of momma or daddy! So they bumble and stumble along – some messing up more than others. We all have the power to get over our childhood and create the adulthood we choose to. But the man that is now an adult but refuses to grow up emotionally past the age of 8 or 12 or whatever is a lost cause. He can’t let go of how his parents treated him, abandoned him, made him feel about himself, etc. He won’t seek therapy or counseling to get over it, he won’t read any self-help books to get over it, and he won’t do anything to move on from the past. He won’t flip the script on his past and use the fact that he survived it and is obviously an intelligent strong person to do so in a way that is to his advantage. Instead, he brings up the emotional pain and suffering he experienced at every opportunity and whines about it. He also blames every single failure he’s had in his entire life on the fact that he had a messed up childhood instead of on the fact that he is making stupid choices in adulthood because… well… because he’s stupid.

#6 He has low self esteem. These guys have a very negative outlook on life, the world, all the people in the world, and themselves. They won’t try to do better or achieve more because they anticipate failure and rejection instead of success and glory. These are the black men that charge women they don’t know and have never spoken to in life with being stuck up or hard to please, their justification for not talking to her and asking her to dance at parties or clubs. These are the black men that say to themselves “why should I even try when I know its not going to work out anyway.” These are the black men that tell you “I know you would get tired of me or bored and leave me anyway if we got together, so why trip?” These guys wear you down with all the ego boosting and propping up they need, just to get off the couch. You might think they have a fear of failure, but what they are really afraid of is success. Read more about black men, insecurity and low self esteem here

Women want to see progress, growth, improvement, change and forward movement. Women want to know where things are currently, what the plan is, how you are going to get there, and what the ultimate destination is. Women find men with a plan and that are doing something to execute that plan to be exciting.

Though most DBR black men consider themselves to be “good black men” their laziness, escapist behaviors, endless whining about the past and low self esteem are HARDLY exciting. Not even a little bit. Bottom line here dudes, if a woman is not excited about the life she would have with you as your woman, why should she waste her time even kicking it with you? She won’t.

And that is why you are single, bitter, horny and lonely and not considered to be a catch at all.