Is Love Worth Fighting For?

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
All of my friends struggle in their relationships to feel secure and truly loved or to keep the relationship going. Seems like a lot of work to get someone to love you back, which is why I am single. They say that love is pain and you have to fight for your relationship – other people AND each other! I need to know, in your professional opinion, is love worth fighting for?

Signed,
Lover Not a Fighter

Dear Lover:
I have to agree with you. To me the relationships you describe are painful alliances based on desperate attachment, familiarity and dependence — but the partners seem to have very little true love between them.

In spite of romantic proclamations, poems, movies, songs and memes that say otherwise, love is not to be fought for. Love is not ‘worth fighting for’ because love is not something you take against someone’s will, or demand they give to you, or seize when they aren’t looking, or manipulate for or convince someone to give you by the things you do for them.

Love must be given freely, without reservation, without expectation of a specific gain, and without silly threatening games of control or manipulation.

Love exists only when the two people involved want to be with one another; when both want to be with the other, there is no battle to fight. Everyone else’s opinion matters not so there is no need to fight with them either.

Love never dies, but it can change. Sometimes the “in love” feelings we had about someone fades though we certainly still care about them, don’t wish to see them harmed, and wish them the best in their next phase of life. Should your partner is convinced he or she no longer feels the same about you and the relationship, you must love them and yourself enough to let them go. When love dies, we must remember Rule #2 above.

Many people (primarily men), struggle with the concept of letting go. These types of men view their female partner as property which they own and control. Though the relationship may have a history of jealousy, possessiveness and domestic violence, her desire to move on from him is met with strong resistance and stalking behaviors. His idea of “fighting for love” is threatening, confusing, and often fatal for his female partner who was essentially “loved to death.” Refer back to Rule #1 above.

If you find yourself in a situation where you feel you must “fight” to keep love going, fight to get loved, or fight to convince someone to give love to you in spite of their reservations or desires to flee, what you are expressing is not love… it’s some strange, one-sided, codependent ‘relationship’ that is out of balance.

Love is surprisingly easy and highly enjoyable when BOTH people want it and each other. There is absolutely nothing to fight for or over; the couple’s desire to be together usurps any and all detractors.

Bottom line — love is not a bloody skirmish, nor is it about a battle that leaves both sides with serious wounds, and therefore it is not worth fighting for.

MsHeartBeat

Relationship and dating advice columnist of Ask HeartBeat! Has enjoyed dishing out insightful yet hilariously funny advice, tersely worded reality checks and "let me slap you upside the head" wake up calls to men and women around the globe since 1991.