Male college student embarrassed about being a virgin

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I am a 21 year old male attending University in Perth. I’m intelligent, muscular, as well as a compassionate and kind person. I’m also a virgin who has never had a girlfriend!

I’ve been physically close to three girls (i.e. kissed, fondled etc.), but have only ever gone out on one date. It was a disaster, and after that experience and being rejected by 3 subsequent girls when I asked them out, I basically decided to concentrate on my High School graduation and friends. I took this same attitude with me to University (being in Australia I live at home and commute to University).

However this self-imposed ‘isolation’ is finally starting to get to me. For a long time I justified it by saying that I wouldn’t ask women because I didn’t have a car- i.e. how were we supposed to get around? However now that I have a car, I see that was not all that was holding me back.

Anyway, I have no problem speaking to women. In fact there is one girl in particular that I really like. From past experience, I’m not going to ‘ask her out’, instead I’m going to ask her to come along to a friend’s 21st birthday (a costume party) and take things from there.

My question(s) to you is: Let’s say that we start dating. Should I reveal to her the fact of my virginity? Should I reveal to her if she asks about past relationships, that I have had no past relationships? Will she be less interested in me because of my lack of experience?

At 21 I’m starting to feel really embarrassed by these potential questions. Hopefully you can help me out here. Twenty one isn’t too old to start is it??

Signed,
Tired of Being Alone

Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
Awww you are so sweet. No, 21 isn’t too old to start. Personally, I think that all young people should wait until 18-20 to start dating. To me 20 or so is an ideal age because you have a bit more maturity and life experience than teens that get involved in romantic situations before they are emotionally prepared for it.

Not only that, at 21 you have money, a sense of independence, education, the responsibility of a job, and a more developed physique that women will find much more “manly” and attractive. So I think you are all set for dating success!

What you have to do though is make sure you are coming across with these women as confident about what you have to offer. Do not focus on what you are NOT, but instead on what you ARE – a great catch for a solid, focused young woman.

I like the idea of the “come along” but please don’t think she won’t know it’s a date just because you don’t use the word! Women are NOT that dumb. LOL! I would suggest that you avoid putting the pressure on yourself of thinking into the future about a dating relationship. Just enjoy the here and now and make the most of the time you have with this young lady at the party.

Be as relaxed as you can and just have fun with your friends and with her. Be gentlemanly too (open doors, guide her through the crowd with your hand in the small of her back, get her something to drink, be attentive and don’t leave her standing around by herself in a room full of folks she doesn’t know, etc.) Mind your manners and let her see that you have some home training.

Then, if you two DO decide to have another outing/secret date (smile) and the subject of relationships comes up, you will tell her that you have had a few casual relationships, but nothing serious. You will NOT tell her a specific number, nor will you ask her for one.

You would tell her that you in spite of the way that the media portrays young men these days, are NOT a woman chaser and prefer to focus on achieving quality in your relationships rather than quantity. That will make her feel special. So you will be telling her that you have limited experience without REALLY telling her anything specific. If she asks for specifics, tell her that a gentleman never kisses and tells, then you wink, smile and change the subject.

Good luck!!!

MsHeartBeat

Relationship and dating advice columnist of Ask HeartBeat! Has enjoyed dishing out insightful yet hilariously funny advice, tersely worded reality checks and "let me slap you upside the head" wake up calls to men and women around the globe since 1991.