Not committed or exclusive, he still hates her going out with other men

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
Ok, here is the situation. I met someone in mid-June and around the end of July she told me that she had a boyfriend across the country and that she wanted to be honest about that. I felt ok with that because we had just met and only gone out on a couple of dates. About 2 weeks later she said that he broke it off with her. We have slept with each other a few times and really enjoy each other very much. After 3 months I was thinking about being exclusive with her.

But yesterday I found out that her relationship with this guy is more than what I thought it was. As a matter of fact, I think they talk everyday and I know he is flying out to Palm Springs to meet her this weekend. She told me that she was going with her girlfriend and husband and then she said he was going too. She says that this guy is not right for her and they aren’t having sex, but she feels bad about totally ending a relationship with the guy because he has been there for her the past year as she went through her divorce.

I don’t know what to do because we never had the talk of exclusivity, but I also find it hard to even date a woman that has an ongoing relationship with another man. Any advice or experience with this??

Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
You have no right to try to stake a claim on a woman you are not in a committed relationship with. Though you may have a hard time dating a woman that has an ongoing relationship with another man, so what? Get over it, dude. Bottom line, you two were not then and are not now an exclusive couple or even an item. The other guy has as much right and claim to her time, attention, and conversation as you do. Which means she can freely go with whomever she wants, wherever she wants. She didn’t even have to tell you he was going on the trip.

What you must do now is decide if this is a situation you want to be involved in or not. Before you make that decision, I advise that you talk to her and tell her that you were thinking about taking things to the next level but aren’t sure what she wants since she has this ongoing relationship with someone from her romantic past.

The most important thing is to talk it out like adults. You need to see if this situation has a future or not, don’t assume based on half information and the conclusions that you have jumped to without knowing all the facts.

Because really, she may be feeling insecure about her feelings for you… afraid that she is falling for a man that hasn’t let her know how he feels about her. She would have no way of knowing that you were considering getting serious. Her little revelation about this guy could just be her way of trying to make you jealous. It’s a tactic people use to avoid putting themselves out there 100%. This way she can test the waters and see if you care enough about her to BE jealous of some other guy. Get it?

MsHeartBeat

Relationship and dating advice columnist of Ask HeartBeat! Has enjoyed dishing out insightful yet hilariously funny advice, tersely worded reality checks and "let me slap you upside the head" wake up calls to men and women around the globe since 1991.