PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT #1590 – NO FELICIA, YOU DO NOT TEACH MEN TO RESPECT YOU

It is a common belief that women are responsible for teaching men how to respect them by what they say, or do, or wear, or take from guys. Some guys go a step further and go around disrespecting women, then blame the women for “allowing” them to disrespect her. That is flat out wrong. Such beliefs put sole responsibility for what is supposed to be a mature adult male’s actions and behavior onto some third party woman, making it her obligation to chastise and correct him like an child.

I acknowledge that the infantalization of black males is a much discussed problem in the black community. I admit that black women have for generations shouldered the burden of protecting, uplifting and taking care of adult men as if they were babies… taking responsibility for men so that they truly believe they don’t have to take any for themselves.

But that shit is retarded and needs to stop. Immediately. Like yesterday.

A huge part of the problem is that women have been taught (socialized by men and a patriarchal society) to believe they have the power to make a man change and are responsible for doing so.

No, you don’t. He is what he is and the only being on the planet with the power to change him is HIMSELF.

So ladies, you should never think that anything you do will “make” a man respect you. He either respects you as a human being, as a person, as a woman who is a vessel of life and creation – or he does not. He treats everyone with respect, or he does not. He is a kind, considerate, thoughtful person or he is not. He protects those weaker and smaller or older than he, or he does not. He does not turn these qualities on and off like a light switch when convenient or when he perceives it will get him something from someone else. That is a sociopath, not a respectable man.

You will find out what type of person he is very quickly if you pay attention. Never think that anything YOU did or said caused him to disrespect you. He is not a child. Men know very well how to treat women. Anything other than respect is a test to see what he can get away with or his passive-aggressive attempt to demean and degrade you on the sly. How will you know you are being disrespected? Here are a few common disrespectful behaviors women complain about.

If he says anything out of pocket or inappropriately sexual, he is being disrespectful.
If he touches your body without your overt and enthusiastic consent, he is being disrespectful.
If he hurts your child he is being disrespectful.
If he damages your property intentionally, he is being disrespectful.
If he takes things that belong to you without asking, he is being disrespectful.
If he makes promises and fails to keep them, he is being disrespectful.
If he intentionally hurts you, he is being disrespectful.
If he says he will be there at XYZ time and he blows you off or shows up whenever he gets ready, he is being disrespectful.
If he sabotages your birth control, he is being disrespectful.
If he uses language that causes you mental or emotional pain, he is being disrespectful.
If he lies to manipulate and control you, he is being disrespectful.
If he demands that you wait on him hand and foot like he’s a child, he is being disrespectful.
If he refuses to do his fair share with his children or household, he is being disrespectful.

A true man takes care not to disrespect a woman, especially his partner… a knucklehead boy blames the woman for “allowing him” to disrespect her.

Ladies, nothing you do is going to stop him from being the innately disrespectful beast that he is. There is no “teaching” grown men anything. As women, we really need to get this into our heads – WE are NOT responsible for what men do or say, THEY ARE!!!

So, if you meet a man and he does not treat you with respect, he is not worthy of your time or attention. He is “testing” you to see what he can get away with BECAUSE HE DOESN’T RESPECT YOU. If he did, he wouldn’t run those simple minded, immature, silly ass games.

A man who disrespects women doesn’t deserve one.

That is all.

Deborrah Cooper
Advice Columnist and Author
www.survivingdating.com
www.askheartbeat.com

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