Satisfying Relationships, Attainable or Beyond Reach?

 

If you’re like me, you’ve looked around recently and noticed that the whole concept of “a relationship” is in trouble, particularly when we are speaking long-term. There are many pressures on the sprouting relationship in today’s world. Some of these pressures are beyond our control, but there are some measures that can be taken to ensure the health of your heart and your relationship.

Cultural Methods for Fulfilling Relationships Needs

If someone from a foreign country were to ask you, “What do you do if you want to get married in America?” the only real answer you could give them is that you have to go out and look for somebody. That is rather vague and doesn’t help us very much. Most people don’t really know where to begin anyway.

There are no specified set of procedures for finding a mate. In many cultures around the world there are, however, guidelines in place for helping people to find a relationship. Some of these have to do with arranging marriages or following a specified set of procedures in order to obtain a mate. Before anyone accuses me of advocating medieval or archaic methods I would encourage them to study the divorce, infidelity and suicide rates in these countries.

Examining Your Relationships History – Avoid Repeating Negative Patterns and Finding Your Joy

In order to understand your relationship history and why your relationships succeeded or failed I would encourage you to look at how most of your own relationships began. How did you two meet? How did things start? Who made the first move?

If you’ve been involved in many relationships you will likely notice a pattern. But if you are like most people, the person you ended up with in the relationship is not necessarily someone you would have picked out from a crowd of people. It’s more likely that your relationship was an accident… one thing led to another and before you knew it you were in a relationship! This relationship may not have been what you originally thought you wanted, but for whatever reason it was what you wanted at the time.

The focus of U.S. society is not on helping relationships succeed. In fact the system tries to make you fail! In case you haven’t noticed, our society and culture is based on making you unhappy and unsatisfied – unsatisfied with the way you look, with what you have, with your mate, etc. The reason is simple: satisfied people spend less money than unsatisfied people. In order to have a relationship that is successful and that you are happy with you are going to have to think outside the box. Don’t look at what society tells you the perfect girlfriend or boyfriend is for you! You must decide what is best for you and will make you happy. The truth is that you could be courting disaster if you insist on focusing on society’s definition of an “ideal” mate.

To Compromise or Not to Compromise?

When looking for your satisfying relationship think about the things that are important in a mate and make a list. Now go down that list and indicate which things on the list you are willing to compromise on and those that you are NOT willing to compromise on.

Once you have the list you can start looking for people that meet your requirements. In the meantime until you find your perfect mate, spend time making yourself the person you want to be with. For example, if finding someone who is in shape and takes care of their health is important to you then make sure you start to do the same.

There have been cases of relationships where one person tried to change themselves for the other person and was not honest about what he or she really was. In other words, these individuals act like something is important to them because it was important to the person they wanted to be with. These scams usually work for a little while but in the end these deceitful behaviors cause many problems and eventually led to the disintegration of the relationship.

Discipline, Patience, Perseverance and Endurance are Key! 

Most people are willing to settle for less because they are terrified of being alone. People should not be afraid of being alone but rather should welcome being alone until they find the person whose qualities convince them otherwise. Decisions made based on fear are almost always wrong. You must have the discipline to say “no!” and face your fear, whatever it may be.

You must also be patient, as it will take time to find your perfect mate. So don’t be tempted to go out with that person who just happens to be available on a night when all your friends are out with their significant others. As hard as it may be, it will be worth it not to end up with the wrong person or in a miserable relationship.

You will be attracted in some respect to what you don’t really want, that is a given. You must learn to handle your feelings of attraction in a way that leads you to fulfilling your long-term goals. Remember, poisoned honey may taste sweet going down but it will still kill you!

Refer back to your list of things that you are not willing to compromise on, and don’t compromise no matter how attracted to a person you become in any moment or given situation. Your decision making ability has to be stronger than your feelings. This takes will power but it is something you must have in order to get what you want and not just take the first thing that comes along.

Now You’re In a Relationship!

Once you are in a relationship what is it you focus on? Is it how you feel? Is it the other person? Is it what is going right or what is going wrong? What you focus on is usually what you get more of. If you focus on what is wrong it will usually grow and become more of a problem. If you focus on what is right then you will be happier and see the relationship in a positive light. As a word of caution: If you can’t find anything right with your dating partner, then GET THE HELL OUT. If you have already made the commitment of marriage, then you should invest the time and effort of working with a marriage counselor; or talk to Ms. Heartbeat she’ll set you straight.

Relationships Need Space

An important thing to remember is not to smother the person you are in the relationship with. This is the number one way to end up with an unhappy situation. The relationship should be a part of your life, even a big part of it but it should not BE your life. Make sure that your relationship is not your only source of support, friendship and all of the other things that a person needs. Meet the needs you are able to meet for yourself and let your partner be an added bonus.

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Satisfying Relationships, Attainable or Beyond Reach?
by Mark Shokair, M.S.