Why am I still single after six years of dating?

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I feel that I am everything a man needs – great conversationalist, listening ear, great sex, exciting, dangerous and a good cook. Why am I still single after like six years of dating?

Signed,

Should I Buy Some Cats?

Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
You are still single because men don’t want any of those things. I’m surprised you haven’t figured men out by now.

You think men appreciate a great conversationalist? Men don’t want women to talk – ever. Women talking interferes with watching football.

You think men prefer a listening ear? They don’t want you to listen to them! Listen to what? Men don’t want to talk to you. Too busy watching football.

You think sex with you is better than sex with anyone else? Men think any sex is great, so sex with you is nothing especially unique.

You think men want a woman that is exciting and dangerous? Ha! Men are afraid of women that are unpredictable. They’re already afraid of commitment and loving because it makes them feel vulnerable and out of control. Men want someone as dependable as Big Ben.

You think being a good cook is important? Well, it might be convenient to have a hot plate put on the table in front of you every day. But really, it’s easier to just hit the drive through on your way home from work. A woman that cooks will want you to help do dishes and take out trash, since she slaved over a hot stove and all.

Plus, while you sit there and eat her cooking, she is gonna wanna talk, which means you have to listen, which gets in the way of football. And while you are eating this home cooked dinner, she is gonna want YOU to share thoughts and feelings (that you don’t have), and to tell her how great her cooking is, which also gets in the way of football.

See, you have it all wrong!

MsHeartBeat

Relationship and dating advice columnist of Ask HeartBeat! Has enjoyed dishing out insightful yet hilariously funny advice, tersely worded reality checks and "let me slap you upside the head" wake up calls to men and women around the globe since 1991.