Why don’t Black women like nice guys?

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I just don’t get it. If you do things like when you come to pick them on a date you come to the door and don’t just hit the horn or call them on the phone, open the door for them, give her your hand to help her up or down. Don’t show up with your a** out showing the world your boxers. Every word you say is not profanity. If you’re not loud and can talk about more then smoke, some rapper, his rims, or the last time he went to jail they don’t want you. But he does not even have to be that bad.

I have a friend and he treats women like dirt, and they love it. The other Friday we all went out for drinks. One of the women that he plays around with called him and asked what he was doing. He told her and she asked can she come, he told her he does not care. So when she got to the bar he played her off for the most part. He did not buy her a drink or anything. When it was time for us to go we was walking to the car. We had both parked by each other, but she did not … she had to park a block over and it’s now 2:00 am and not a lot of people around. I was like “man you not going to walk her to her car?” He told me that she will be okay by herself. So I try to get him to walk her but he was not about to do it. When I seen that her feelings was hurt I told her that I’ll walk her to her car. At first she did not want me to, but I did it anyway.

I could tell that she was hurt by his behavior. But this is the part I don’t get – the very next day she came over and had sex with him! I came over and she was over his place. He tells me all the time “Just don’t give a f*** about them if you act like you don’t care about them they will love you more!”

I have been told that when I turn 25 women will change and stop going for guys like that. But I don’t think it will ever change. What I want to know is if you think I will find women that are into guys more then just as friends? Can I find a woman that will want me around for more than being that guy they call on when they need help on something that guys do? I’m to the point where I’m thinking about changing to be just like the other guys, because if you treat them like ladies you are a loser to them.

This is my last point. You have the women with kids that want a guy like me to help them take care of the kid or kids that they had by a loser. And I’m not going to do that anymore so that this other guy can come and go as he feels and have his fun with her and the kid if he feels up to it that one or two times a year. Then having me looking like a fool. I’m just tired. I love my black women but they don’t show me any respect. I can’t take it anymore something has to give. I’m going to change to a rude guy and act like I just don’t care or just stop dating black women altogether.

Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
You certainly have the right to become a knucklehead and a fool like your buddy if you want to, but what would be the point of that? You act a fool then you will GET a foolish woman! Are you that desperate for some tail that you would lower your standards, lower your moral position and change the very things about yourself that make you different from other guys, and become a chump just like your friends? Come on now dude, you gotta be stronger than that.

Sadly, your buddy is right to a point. There are many damaged young women out here that have been sexually and emotionally abused as children by predatory adult males. These young girls have very low self esteem, which is demonstrated by their choices in men and the way they allow their bodies to be used by men even into adulthood. Unfortunately, the painful feelings of being abusively used for a man’s pleasure is very familiar to them. Psychologically, humans are compulsively driven to repeat the same horrible situation in their life over and over again. But is it right to use damaged people in such a manner and hurt them more? That is what you are telling me that you plan to do, and I can’t get with that.

I need to get on you about something else too. You haven’t dated every Black women in the world, or even in your neighborhood. So I am not going to allow you to make sweeping negative generalizations of Black women. And thinking your life will be drastically different just because the skin color of your girlfriend changes is ridiculous. You are supposed to be dating a woman not for who she is, not WHAT she is. You would be looking to escape your responsibility for choosing wisely by thinking a woman of another race is going to save you. Ha!

What you have to look for is someone with the same background and home training as you have. And I know such women are out there, because there are millions of educated, polished, together young Black women that are looking for a gentleman such as yourself. But I am suspicious that the reason you don’t see them is because they don’t have their body parts hanging out, and they aren’t “fly,” and they aren’t women your friends would be patting you on the back about getting with.

What always happens in these situations is that you young guys are attracted to the flashy girls physically, but you don’t like how they think and behave or reject you. They think you are corny and don’t want any of what you have to offer. So you complain that ALL BLACK WOMEN reject you. Never do you guys that write these letters consider the fact that you are choosing to be attracted to women that are out of your league or just not interested in your type.

Stop looking in swamps for a prize fish… murky swamp water is where the bottom feeders live.

If you get rejected at parties and clubs, go to the library instead, or to bookstore, plays, outdoor music events, and other cultural events that draw a sophisticated, educated crowd. If you are on the commute train and see a woman that looks interesting, talk to her. No rap, just polite chit chat conversation, perhaps about a movie you just saw or something you just read in the newspaper.

Another option is your place of worship. There are lots of single Black women in Black churches that would love to meet a courteous, together young Black man. There are few heterosexual men of marriageable ages in Black churches, so you’d have great options for dates there.

Don’t ignore the older women in situations you may find yourself in either … they have daughters, nieces and coworkers that they can introduce you to. Older women appreciate a young man that presents himself as someone with class, and their recommendation of you would be an instant “in” for a date.

When you change your focus and start looking more at women’s hearts, personalities and minds than you do their behinds, you will easily find the woman you dream of.

MsHeartBeat

Relationship and dating advice columnist of Ask HeartBeat! Has enjoyed dishing out insightful yet hilariously funny advice, tersely worded reality checks and "let me slap you upside the head" wake up calls to men and women around the globe since 1991.