Women and Romance

 

The other day I made the following statement:

Every woman wants a leading man to play the role of charismatic, brave lover in the romantic movie that she hopes to live. ~Debsterism

I felt it was a very true statement with huge implications for modern relationships. Women crave romance and passion – lingering glances, heart pounding kisses… a man that stirs her imagination and makes her breathless.

However, men tend to have a more instant gratification approach to things and are often accused of focusing solely on getting to the destination, not enjoying the trip. Why can’t women get the romance they crave from their men instead of Pride & Prejudice and bodice ripping paperback novels?

Why Romance Matters in Relationships

Women go along with men’s laziness in the romance department for awhile, but then vague feelings of dissatisfaction set in. She begins to get crabby at him, resentful and angry. He sees a lot of her back in bed because she is turned off. She sighs a lot. The bright happy smiles she used to have for him are infrequent. Ultimately, she is not happy with him and neither of them are really sure why.  Some couples drift apart, confused about why things went sour, and the relationship goes up in a puff of smoke.

Few men understand what romance is to women or how to provide it to keep their woman on a romantic high. With so many young men and women growing up in fatherless homes, few have a model of romantic intimacy or romantic deeds between their parents. Children are growing up without understanding how to SHOW someone that they are passionately loved.

One young lady, very pragmatic about the whole romance thing chimed in with:

Those women need to deal with life and put down the romance novels and the Lifetime Channel! Speaking from experience women I talk to tend to reference a song, a movie, even the bible (man like Boaz) and I’m looking like… really?

The romantic book and movie industry makes billions annually from passion and romance-starved women. Women crave romance, and if they don’t get it the relationship eventually becomes unfulfilling and boring for them.

I think women have every right to have romantic relationships with their husbands or boyfriends, and that settling for less just to have a man around is the root of the problem. When women settle for less, men give less because they don’t have to; but when women settle for less, women are miserable because men are giving less. A vicious cycle is created where she sacrifices her desires to have a man that isn’t meeting desires he doesn’t know she has and she is furious at him for not knowing what she secretly expects him to do!

Why do so many women settle for relationships with dutiful (but unromantic) men that don’t make them even breathe hard, let alone breathless?

What is Romance to Women?

Though romance can certainly be a horse drawn carriage, dinner by candlelight, or making out under the stars – what most women want is nothing so trite and movie-scripted.

Romantic are things that make a woman feel!!! That make her know her man pays attention, understands her needs, really listens to her, and really sees her heart and spirit.  He sees HER.

A man who is attentive and creative and passionate about you, and who doesn’t become lazy and start taking you for granted, is a most wonderful man.~Boadie M.

Romantic is a man that remembered you mumbling something about peony being your favorite flowers when you first met. And a year later in the spring he plants a little flower garden on the side of your house by your bedroom so you can have dozens of peonies to see every morning when you wake up.

Romantic is a man that knows you are extremely sensitive to noise, so he replaces the noisy washing machine and dishwasher with models so quiet you can barely hear the swish of the water.

Romantic is a man that remembers you talking about your best friend and college roommate that you haven’t seen in years because she moved to Europe after she got married, and he secretly flies her in for your 40th birthday party to celebrate with you.

Romantic is a man that gets his friends to help you two put up flyers about your missing cat in 40 degree weather … even when he hates that stupid cat.

Romantic is a man that stares at you when he thinks you aren’t looking with a little smile of wonder on his face.

Romantic is a man that doesn’t care how he looks to his poker buddies when he insists on texting to say he loves you and can’t wait to see you.

Romantic is a man that breaks away from his sports on tv to find you just so he can give you a hug and a kiss that curls your toes. Hot damn!

Never Settle for Less in Romance

Now why would a woman settle for anything less than a man who refuses to make the effort to woo and romance her? Even if you’ve been married for years, every woman still wants to be the apple of her husband’s eye.

Women must stop settling. If a man is not making you FEEL HIM then he is not the one. A man who is into his woman finds her fascinating, inspiring, of course frustrating at times, but her happiness and her laugh of delight is his joy.  To such a man, doing everything even the most boringly mundane crappy stuff with her is better than doing anything without her.

That is what women are looking for.

I remember dating a guy that I dumped after our fourth date. On paper he was a great catch! Smart, funny, hot body, educated, well paid, no miscellaneous stray children or baby mommas, and a good family. He seemed to be into me as well – but he said one thing that let me know immediately we had no future.

“Ralph” we’ll call him, had been involved in several long term relationships. Yet, all three of the women eventually left him. He was lamenting that women didn’t know “a good man” when they saw one and that too many women prefer thugs and bad boys, was why so many women (especially black women), are single!  I figured that this apparently perfect man on his way to 40 was  perhaps choosing the wrong women? Were these women just crazy? Or was there something about “Ralph” that turned all three women off to the point that it eclipsed his good points.

I soon found out. On our fourth date “Ralph” revealed that he refuses to give gifts to women. Ever. Period. Not for Christmas, not for birthdays, not for anniversaries, and not just because. He also didn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day.

Bingo! There was the answer for why no woman stayed with him!

Sure “Ralph” was a nice guy and very accomplished, but he was extremely, I mean pathologically  selfish. Since I refused to be put in a situation where a man came in the door of my life refusing to give or share of himself, there was no reason to continue to see him.  Four dates and that was that.

My friends and family thought I was crazy, that I should have stuck around and tried to “change him”, but I’ve never regretted my decision. This guy was 35 years old.  Women that came along before me spent years trying to change him to no avail, and I’m sure women that came along after me wasted time on him as well.

However, I am not about wasting my time nor my energy on lost causes.  Since I’ve always been very clear about what I need in a relationship and I knew this wasn’t it, I quickly moved on.

All Truly Amazing Men are Romantic

At this time in my life I’m very content with being single and feel that my life is happily fulfilled as it is. There is no rush to do anything like get married, and I feel no pressure to be coupled. It’s amazingly freeing to have standards for men because it makes it very clear who meets them and who does not. So I won’t even consider dating a man seriously unless he’s absolutely, positively amazing. He has to bring something special to the table, otherwise, why should I bother?

Every woman deserves to have a man that is totally excited about her being in his life, and who shows it with actions. If you are with a guy that takes you for granted, or in any other way discounts your wonderfulness, then he is not the one.  You deserve to have romance, to be adored, to be loved.

EVERY thing needs love and passion, but women have been almost whipped into thinking that its wrong to want someone, especially if you have everything else (car, home, money) that you got “yoself” ….couple that with stingy, entitled, and socially inept men, and you can see how a pizza buffet looks better than trying to make “Tom Jones” your reality. But, it can be done, just takes a lot of weeding out.~Tracy S.