Young woman with stank attitude wonders why she is single

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I am a young Black female, born and raised here in San Francisco. I’ve only been in three relationships and none of them was the one for me. I know nothing is wrong with me but all my life a boy never said they love me. One of them I loved him with all my heart, at least I thought I did until he broke my heart.

When I do go with boys they all say I have an attitude problem and that I be saying some crazy stuff when they say things that I don’t understand. Like I tell anybody you have to explain yourself to me so I won’t take it the wrong way and some do and some don’t and they wonder why I be snapping at them. And boys be saying that is the main reason why you can’t keep a man.

It’s not that I have a bad attitude, it’s just that I am a direct person. I like to say things that is on my mind and don’t care if they like it or not – that is just the way I am. Can you tell me if there anything wrong with me and why I have not found the right man for me and am 19 years old?

Signed,
Tell Me Something I Don’t Know

Dear Tell Me:
Wow. You DO have an attitude. When I looked up “bad attitude having female” in the dictionary, there was your face snarling back at me!

First of all, who told you that you have a RIGHT to have a boyfriend just because you are 19 years old? Who told you that you are OWED love? You need to immediately ditch that sense of entitlement, because it won’t get you anywhere with men.

Secondly, your stank attitude reflects the belief that others’ feelings don’t matter – that you are the only one that counts, and that what YOU think and what YOU feel and what YOU want is the only thing that is important. Reality check for you honey – no man wants to be bothered with a woman like that!

Though I realize that Black women generally tend to be the most comfortable with being outspoken and assertive of any females, I suggest that since you see that your attitude is not getting you what you want out of life you take the appropriate and very necessary steps to change your way of behaving. You get what you give in life; saying “that’s just the way I am” is a cop-out and a refusal to change and grow and provide a man with the comfort, open communication and loving peace of mind he needs.

Men do not get into relationships just for sex or for companionship, because those things are easily garnered through casual associations with any female. When a man commits to a woman, he does so because he feels understood, supported, encouraged, and loved for not only who he is right now, but the man he dreams of being.

You say you want love and a loving relationship, so you need to be more loving. Instead of barking orders and commands at men, tell a guy “I’m sorry, but I don’t understand what you mean. Could you clarify that for me?” Instead of telling a man every single thought that passes through your head (especially since most men really don’t care to hear it), choose to share information that will bring you and your man closer instead of pushing him away. If you make a man comfortable he will usually tell you all you need to know without having to ask a ton of questions.

However, if you do ask direct questions, and a man refuses to provide clear communication on important issues like his sexual history, his life goals, where you fit in, commitment, what dating means to him, etc. know that he is playing a game and then you drop him before you get in too deep. A woman should never be afraid to ask direct questions that will let her know what type of relationship a man sees himself in with her, and where she stands.

You need to strive to communicate in a style that is conducive to creating a welcoming environment that encourages a man to open his heart. And remember, sometimes things that are on our mind are stupid and that is where they need to stay – in our head!

Therefore, when you think stupid things and they then come shooting out of your mouth, the men you say them to are not impressed with your thinking nor your delivery. Do some work on yourself and give yourself another year or so to mature. Figure out exactly what it is you need in a man and only date that kind of guy; don’t even waste your time with males that don’t make the grade. Once you do this work your adjusted attitude will bring you the love you seek

MsHeartBeat

Relationship and dating advice columnist of Ask HeartBeat! Has enjoyed dishing out insightful yet hilariously funny advice, tersely worded reality checks and "let me slap you upside the head" wake up calls to men and women around the globe since 1991.